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fixation & guilt

The danger with recurrent fantasies, particularly those that begin at a young age, is that a fixation can occur around a specific person, image or scene so that sexual pleasure is associated totally with it.  It can then become difficult, or even impossible, for sexual fulfilment to take place without the presence of that fantasy.  This phenomenon can also be seen in women who always reach orgasm a certain way.  They become 'fixated' on this method and often cannot come any other way.

My advice about fantasies is threefold:

  1. Don't try to live it out. Once you've actuated a fantasy, it can't by definition be a fantasy anymore.  You've lost it.

  2. Vary the nature and usage of fantasy so as to avoid getting your sexual highs from only one idea or method.  Focusing too much on one thing is generally not healthy.

  3. There is no reason at all to feel guilty or ashamed of your fantasy, no matter what it is.  Remember that fantasies are erotic thoughts, not necessarily wish-fulfilment.

Guilt distorts, conceals and destroys.  It spoils natural pleasures and damages self-esteem and relationships.  There is a lot of guilt associated with fantasy.  Women in particular feel somehow disloyal if they think about another man, a sexual situation, or even a film star, while making love with their partner.  They ask themselves such searching questions as: Why isn't it enough to enjoy the man I'm with? Why can't I reach orgasm without playing mind games?  Am I bored with my partner?  Don't I love him enough?

In fact, it has nothing to do with any of these points.  I would even go so far as to say that the sexier you feel about your partner, the more turned-on you are, the more likely you are to fantasise.  It's even more exciting when you can do it together.  Some couples act out their sexual ideas and some just talk about them.  Others incorporate games into their lovemaking, for example, one partner might suggest, in the middle of intercourse, that they're being watched.  They can play out that scenario, feigning shame, embarrassment, urgency, danger, anything else that comes to mind.  They can have all the fun without any real risk.

Couples often tell me they like to make love in public places for the thrill, and that's fine for those who are brave enough, but the average person can have all the excitement in the comfort and safety of their own bed.  In other words, they let their minds transport them, allowing the experience and the pleasure to be just as intense as if it were really happening.



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