The danger with recurrent fantasies, particularly those that begin
at a young age, is that a fixation can occur around a specific person,
image or scene so that sexual pleasure is associated totally with
it. It can then become difficult, or even impossible, for
sexual fulfilment to take place without the presence of that fantasy.
This phenomenon can also be seen in women who always reach orgasm
a certain way. They become 'fixated' on this method and often
cannot come any other way.
My advice about fantasies
- Don't try to live
it out. Once you've actuated a fantasy, it can't by definition
be a fantasy anymore. You've lost it.
- Vary the nature and
usage of fantasy so as to avoid getting your sexual highs from
only one idea or method. Focusing too much on one thing
is generally not healthy.
- There is no reason
at all to feel guilty or ashamed of your fantasy, no matter what
it is. Remember that fantasies are erotic thoughts, not
Guilt distorts, conceals
and destroys. It spoils natural pleasures and damages self-esteem
and relationships. There is a lot of guilt associated with
fantasy. Women in particular feel somehow disloyal if they
think about another man, a sexual situation, or even a film star,
while making love with their partner. They ask themselves
such searching questions as: Why isn't it enough to enjoy the man
I'm with? Why can't I reach orgasm without playing mind games? Am
I bored with my partner? Don't I love him enough?
In fact, it has nothing
to do with any of these points. I would even go so far as
to say that the sexier you feel about your partner, the more turned-on
you are, the more likely you are to fantasise. It's even more
exciting when you can do it together. Some couples act out
their sexual ideas and some just talk about them. Others incorporate
games into their lovemaking, for example, one partner might suggest,
in the middle of intercourse, that they're being watched.
They can play out that scenario, feigning shame, embarrassment,
urgency, danger, anything else that comes to mind. They can
have all the fun without any real risk.
Couples often tell me
they like to make love in public places for the thrill, and that's
fine for those who are brave enough, but the average person can
have all the excitement in the comfort and safety of their own bed.
In other words, they let their minds transport them, allowing the
experience and the pleasure to be just as intense as if it were