As male orgasm
is comparatively simple, I am devoting this section to the discussion
of female orgasm and ways to achieve it.
For a woman,
orgasm purely from vaginal penetration, whether with fingers, a
penis or a vibrator, is less likely to occur than when it's combined
with clitoral stimulation and other forms of arousal.
This is possibly the
most misunderstood area of female orgasm. If a male is not
clear on this point, he's quite likely to feel that he's 'not good
enough' because his wife or girlfriend needs more than just his
penis thrusting in her vagina to reach orgasm. Women who can
achieve orgasm this way are definitely in the minority and there
should be no sense of failure or inadequacy attached to it.
If all males understood
this clearly, a whole area of conflict and unnecessary hurt would
be removed. From calls I get, many men still feel somehow
put-upon because they have to 'work' at satisfying their partners.
They seem to feel that they should be able to kiss and touch
her for a few minutes, enter her and immediately bring about a screaming
I blame the myths created
by the media and popular literature for this problem, as well as
the lack of open communication on this issue by men and women in
our society. Sometimes, it suits people to continue believing
that which is false because they have an interest in keeping things
the way they are. In popular magazines women reach orgasm
with little or no effort and the climax is always mind-blowing.
They are never tired or uninterested, never have average orgasms.
The men always have gigantic tools and can keep going for
In reality, we're all
slightly imperfect, emotionally scarred and prone to highs and lows
which simply means that sex is unlikely to be wonderful all
the time. If we are in committed relationships, compromise
is the name of the game, and satisfying our partners should be more
important than satisfying our egos.
This is particularly
significant in the area of orgasms. Men need to develop sensitivity
to what works for the women they make love to and women need to
be more honest about their requirements. I heard Germaine
Greer say in a television interview that anyone who's not enjoying
a sexual experience should feel free to get out of bed and leave
in the middle of it. I wouldn't go that far, but not having
needs met can corrode, and eventually destroy, relationships.
Just as the
penis is the male's centre of pleasure, so the clitoris is the female's.
There are women who can only reach orgasm by direct clitoral stimulation,
either with a partner or through masturbation.
However, for me, the
ideal method to satisfy both partners employs a combination of techniques.
Here are some suggestions:
- The man stimulates
the clitoris while kissing the mouth and/or breasts, bringing
the woman to orgasm. This can be before or after intercourse
and may be the only orgasm she has, or one of several.
- During intercourse,
either the woman herself, or the man, can stimulate the clitoris
at the same time.
- A vibrator can be
used on the clitoris during intercourse. There are now penis
attachments which a man can wear to stimulate the clitoris during
intercourse. Some vibrators have clitoral stimulators so
that vaginal and clitoral excitement is simultaneous.
Certain sexual positions
also work better to achieve this.
By these various methods,
a man and a woman can participate fully in sexual pleasure together,
without either partner feeling excluded or missing out.
This is, of
course, a popular form of sexual activity and can be a very pleasurable
way for a man to bring his partner to orgasm. On the whole,
women seem to favour receiving genital kissing over giving it
men usually say they enjoy both cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman)
and fellatio (oral sex on a man). For some men and women,
oral sex plays only a small role in their sex lives, while for others,
it's more important than other aspects. This discrepancy can
be a source of considerable conflict if not talked over and resolved.
Men, in particular, often complain to me that their lovers
don't like 'going down' on them, for reasons of gagging, taste,
smell, or a combination of these.
Swallowing semen is also distasteful to many women.
To overcome these objections,
I suggest that oral sex be used as a form of foreplay rather than
a means to achieve orgasm. After all, if a couple love each
other and want to experience each other fully, kissing the body
all over is an enjoyable way to do this. This can include
genital kissing without it being a big deal. The well known
'69' position of mutual oral stimulation is a particularly effective
way to enjoy genital kissing as part of sex play, with or without
However, I reiterate
that fixation on one form of sexual stimulation is not desirable,
or necessary, as there are many ways to enjoy sex and no limits
except those imposed by the mind.
Grafenberg discovered the 'G-spot', as it's now known, women have
been clamouring for the ultimate orgasm which they believe is achievable
by the discovery and stimulation of this part of the body. Again,
this may have given women (and their partners) unrealistic expectations
of instant ecstasy. Doctors have now discovered that only
about a third of the female population even possess the G-spot,
as it is a genetic aberration, an anatomical 'leftover'.
Women who report having
G-spot orgasms insist that they are stronger and more pleasurable
than other kinds. Also, it is believed that female ejaculation
comes from the G-spot. This occurs by way of a 'flooding'
which happens during orgasm. When this happens, male partners
express reactions ranging from amazement to dismay, some thinking
their partners have urinated through the force of orgasm.
In fact, the ejaculate is neither urine nor vaginal fluid but G-spot
If you want to check
if you have a G-spot, feel just inside the vagina for a small bump
located on the front wall. Ask your partner to rub on it and
see if you can reach a climax in this way. This type of orgasm
is 'uterine' as opposed to the 'vulval' variety that occurs as a
result of clitoral stimulation. Pressing down during intercourse
could excite the G-spot directly and bring about an orgasm without
the need for clitoral stimulation.
The important thing is
to know your own body and accept its wonders without fear.
Never be ashamed of your feelings, your likes and preferences. Work
with what you've got and enjoy everything you can.
some women find multiple orgasms to be easily achievable while others
believe they can never have more than one at a time.
About 10 years ago, a
new lover told me that there were no boundaries, that I could have
as many orgasms as I wanted. Once I lifted the limitation
from my mind, I found I really could reach one climax after another,
sometimes losing count and at other times experiencing a series
of them as one long rolling orgasm.
This doesn't happen all
the time but I believe all women are capable of having at least
two orgasms in a row under normal circumstances.
With the co-operation of your partner, you can have a manual orgasm
via the clitoris as part of foreplay activity, followed by a second
one during intercourse, with or without clitoral involvement. Very
often, after the clitoris has been excited for a time, it is sufficiently
stimulated to allow another orgasm without being directly touched
again. In fact, a lot of women find the clitoris becomes too
sensitive to be fondled after orgasm. However, in certain
positions and if follow-up is quick, a woman can very easily have
a second orgasm by a variety of methods.