12 June 2001
Afraid to Orgasm
Q: Dear Dr Love, I am 30 years old and have been married for 10 years. This is something I have never discussed with my husband, as I feel too embarrassed. I have had to fake my orgasms most of the time because during sexual intercourse, I feel the urge to wee and therefore squeeze my vagina in order to keep it in. I am so frustrated because I really wish I could experience cumming and can never because of this. My husband is also getting frustrated as he is dying to give me oral sex, which I don't let him because the last thing I want is to wee by accident. This is so unbearable. I cannot be honest with him after 10 years - how would I explain to him that I could never cum? Please tell me what my problem is, I'm desperate.
A: I assume you always empty your bladder just prior to intercourse so that there's no real chance of your peeing at the crucial moment. I think you are experiencing the normal desire to reach climax but interpreting this as needing to urinate. Have you any reason to think you may be incontinent, in other words, losing control of your bladder? If not, then maybe it's your fears that are spoiling your ability to let go and just enjoy sex with your husband. You are literally stopping yourself from climaxing by holding on too tight. I think it's sad that you have been faking orgasm all this time, firstly, not being able to be honest with your husband, and secondly, that you haven't been able to experience the real thing. Here's my suggestion - try masturbating on your own with a very thick towel under you. When the same urge occurs as you're reaching the peak of excitement, don't hold back, just orgasm and see what happens. By trying this, you'll get your answer - if you do urinate, then you probably have a physical condition and will need to seek medical help; if you don't, then you have been just holding back out of nerves and there really was never any cause for concern. Then you can start letting go in reality with your husband without fear. It's up to you if you tell him about the past situation. I personally think it will benefit your marriage to be honest and I'm sure he'll understand if you explain it as you did to me. You might need some time to relax properly and having his support will make all the difference. It would be good to enjoy oral sex and real orgasms wouldn't it? Why don't you take a chance and go for it?