22 June 2001
I Just Can't Orgasm!
Q: Dear Dr Love,
I have a serious question on orgasms. I will be 28 this year and have never had one yet. Not to put myself down but I have been with a good number of men and none of them have been able to give me the climax that I need. I am about to give up altogether on sex if something doesn't happen soon. I could be extremely horny before sex but once we start, I almost become numb from boredom. I stopped being turned on anymore. I love my boyfriend and am afraid soon if nothing happens, it will be over between us. I am thinking of going to the adult stores in the area to help in my search. I am afraid of losing that natural feeling that so many women have that I don't. I want to be able to climax with a man and not a toy, also when my boyfriend performs oral on me. Why is it that I have the overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom? Even if I just went, I want to pee when he has his fingers in me. I do not focus on the fact that I cannot achieve orgasm - during sex I am relaxed and enjoy my surroundings. Please help me if you could. Thanks.
Tonya in Michigan
A: As you can imagine, I get a lot of mail about female orgasm. Regarding your particular situation, I think it sounds like a case of nerves. You say you don't focus on climax when you're having sex, which is good, but it still sounds like a lot of anxiety being engaged when you make love. This is evidenced by such factors as wanting to urinate, tuning out during intercourse and so on. You almost seem to go into a numb state, which could also point to an emotional response. Some women go through their whole lives unable to orgasm and this is not desirable obviously. There's nothing wrong with using a vibrator if it achieves the purpose and then you can gain some confidence and hopefully, later be able to climax with a man. Get some toys from and experiment on your own for a while. Don't blame your man - he's probably as frustrated as you are. When you masturbate, use toys or have sex, start fantasising as a means of increasing your sexual pleasure and interest. Sure and steady wins the race - don't panic, be anxious or negative. It WILL happen.